Basically the title.
Not to trauma dump, but my mom died almost exactly a month ago. I was with her for her last hours and it was…as peaceful as it could be, honestly. The facility was so nice and the hospice nurses did a wonderful job at keeping her comfortable. But her lungs were pretty damaged from the flu and lung cancer, so there was also a lot of gasping and breathing struggles, and the last two hours were especially rough (for her and for me).
I know I have some kind of acute traumatic something or another because of it. I can handle the daily intrusive thoughts and I do try to sit with my feelings as they happen.
But the nightmares are terrible. Out of the 29 days since she died, I’ve had nightmares for at least 23 of them. They range from disturbing to straight up “waking up feeling like I’m actively being chased by a serial killer” panic-inducing.
I have them at night, and I have them if I take naps during the day. It’s getting to a point where I’m afraid to sleep because I just don’t want to see those things or feel those feelings.
Has anyone else dealt with this? When did it stop for you?
P.S. I’m in therapy, and I know everyone is different. I’m just trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
If you want something specific, simple, and believe it or not evidence based to do:
Do a simple, repetitive task that uses both your eyes and hands
- crocheting / knitting
- coloring
- simple arcade / phone style games such as Tetris, candy crush, or snake
…while listening to instrumental music. Jazz, classical, lofi, or EDM are all great options, but you might also consider a video game soundtrack
This will gently stimulate your subconscious to get some processing done kind of in the way walking / water aerobics is good for physical rehab.
almost three years without my dad. the nightmares have pretty much stopped. every once in a long while i’ll have really what i’d call a stress dream more than a nightmare. they’re different, bearable. so it really will get better.
the grief might be there a long time. perhaps forever. i remember sobbing when i realized that he’d always been there for my whole life but now he’d always be missing. for the rest of life. but your relationship with that grief will change tremendously. therapy will help, i promise. if it doesn’t, get a new therapist.
there’s some great advice in this thread. mainly i wanted you to know you’re not alone. it’s not just you. it’s not abnormal. and i wanted to join in because these comments have been valuable to me, too. to rephrase, your question has helped me. so thank you.
my heart goes out to you, friend. stay strong. stay hopeful. stay grateful.
may their memory be a blessing to you.
idk how to help you, but this image helped me:
I’m going to save this and keep it as a reminder. Thank you so much.
I dealt with some very serious grief a few years ago. This visual rings true for me.
Great visual and anecdotally I wholly agree.
Your grief will come and go and manifest in bizarre ways.
It really does. I’m trying to navigate it as best I can, and I do have a support system, so I have that going for me.
According to the dual process model of grief, healthy grieving involves oscillation between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented behaviours. Basically, you need to sit with the feelings some of the time, and pursue new experiences some of the time.
The important thing is to be able to switch between the two when your mind needs you to. If you get stuck in one or the other, the grieving process stops getting better.
So if you need to take a break from thinking about it, take that break. Just as long as you can come back to thinking about it when you’re ready.
Each time I’ve lost someone the intensity of the dreams and grief began to taper off at around the 6 month mark. Things got better after that.
So sorry you lost your mom.
I’m so sorry. When I lost my sweet, patient, and kind primary caregiver, it took a long time to process and get over the pain of my loss. Then one night, over a year later, I had a good dream about them engaging in an activity we engaged in together, and seemingly quite happy. We spoke, exchanged hugs. And it was incrementally better, after that.
Your time may be less or more. Give yourself grace and compassion, no matter how long it takes, ok? Wishing you a speedy and complete healing.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but I’m so glad you had that comfort come to you in a dream.
I actually did have a single good dream about her, the Friday after she passed. Two of the biggest questions on my mind in her final hours were “does she know she’s struggling?” And “is she scared?” And I was able to ask her both of those in the dream. The answers were beautiful and comforting, and I’m trying very hard to hold onto that dream.
Thank you for your kind words. I will try to be gentle with myself.
You are so very welcome. Thank you so much, my friend. Being gentle with yourself is a wonderful gift, you give yourself and others. It is so powerful. 🫂
First, you’re not alone. Second, it’s almost three years out from my Dad’s passing - the dreams are rare now, but still there. A month is no time at all to process. When you get past the probate (if you need to), and close the estate, that’s when you stop just endlessly grieving and start healing and moving forward.
My suggestion? Fight the depression and other stuff holding you back. Form new memories, physical and social ones. Go hiking on new trails. Join a sport. Join an in-person RPG group. Do new things. Meet new people.
By giving your brain more new stuff to deal with, you’ll have less time to dream about her.
same here, nearly three years since Dad passed. seconded, a month is barely a blink in grief processing.
great advice on forming new memories and bonds. i hope to take that advice myself eventually.
thank you for sharing
That seems like very sound, proactive advice. I feel like I’ve been caught in a sort of stasis since she passed. I go to work, I come home. The only variation has been when I need to go to the store.
My husband and I are planning on going back to the gym soon, and I am scheduled for a D&D session next weekend. Writing with some friends is really my only hobby, and I haven’t been doing that, so I will try to get back into it. Because you’re right. Sitting in the grief with nothing to do or look forward to hasn’t helped so far, so it’s time to try something new.
I thank you, truly.
It’s shit. It’s really really shit. I’m so sorry.
I was by my mother’s side as she passed. No one tells you about the noises and sounds, how the way they hold their face changes, how their breath becomes a wheeze, and becomes a really quite unusually loud gasp, so loud and uncomfortable that you’re amazed it doesn’t wake them, and then shallows further and further until it stops. No one tells you how quickly we lose our heat. There are so many tiny yet striking new experiences that you somehow have to fold into your broader lifelong experience of them as a person, as your mother, that it takes time to process. Their death is such a tiny fragment of who they were, time can help contextualise that
Until then, it’s shit.
X
It’s truly different for everyone. For me it’s never really stopped but the frequency is much less often. My son was born 3 months premature and was gone after nine days, it’s been twenty years since. Losing my wife in 2019 didn’t help. There are a lot of other reasons behind still having the nightmares but it’s just something I’ve learned to live with.
So sorry for your loss. You’re a stronger person than me. My dad passed when I was 16. Liver and kidney failure from alcolishm. We weren’t exactly close, and I cant say i liked him at the time, but he was still my dad. I couldn’t handle being there in the end. The sounds like you describe them were too much. I never had grief nightmares, but i also haven’t had vivid dreams since i was like 10. I did have a few panic / anxiety attacks in the years immediately after, but they stopped pretty quick. I’m about to turn 30, and I promise you, every day gets a little easier. I’m sure your therapist is a better resource, but you ever want to talk to an anonymous stranger, my DMs are open.
This was a very comforting reply for me, because I understand it. I honestly can’t say that my mom and I were extremely close, or that she was my best friend, or that we even liked each other at times. But she was my mom, and there was love and good memories there, however sporadic.
It’s complicated, isn’t it?
Thank you for the reassurance that it does get better, and for offering to lend an ear. That’s incredibly kind of you, and I’m very grateful.
Relationships are weird and complicated. I’ve yet to meet a human who has a simple relationship with both parents, lol. Life is complicated, but I truly hope things get better for you. Sending good vibes your way!
If you trauma dump enough it should get better.
Idk If it your kind of jam but right now there is really good show airing that deals with grief “journal with witch”. It would be shock theraphy so take this as trigger warning.
My best tool in coping with grief, as a neurodivergent that has had a lifetime of difficulty in dealing with/understanding loss- has been in the acceptance that I was never going to avoid this.
What I mean is, this was something that was going to happen eventually. They could not have outrun it, they could not have “healthed” their way around it. It WILL happen. And accepting this goes a long way to help to resolve the constant “what could I have done differently” part.
What does this have to do with nightmares? I’m getting to that.
Basically, Grief comes in two flavors;
There’s the “selfish” part, which is the idea that YOU won’t ever get to be with them again- and how it hurts that YOU will now forever have a massive hole in YOUR life that get once filled, that they will never have any new interactions with YOU
And then there’s the “selfless” part, which is sadness and empathy for THEIR pain, and the worry that THEY were suffering, that THEY will never have any new reactions with you.
When these two things mix together- from my experience, the selfish one is always the loudest. It’s the one that drives the knives into my heat.
… and it’s the one that brings the nightmares.
And nightmares oftentimes are a subconscious manifestation of guilt.
Once you come to terms with the fact that this was something that was always going to happen, it gets easier to work through the pain and come to a place of peace. Just know that the love you had for her remains untouched and timeless.
The nightmares will eventually cease, and her all of your memories of her will bring warmth and comfort.
Just hang in there and try and be good to yourself through this.
❤️
I lost my dad 5 years ago this month. It doesn’t get easier, but it does get less “every day”. I still occasionally dream about him, but less often. I still sometimes have anxiety “can’t sleep” times, but less often.
I snuggle my dog and my teddy bear and that helps. I also sometimes take an as-needed anti-anxiety medication when I really need some help, and it both knocks the anxiety down and makes me sleepy.
I also listen to podcasts to help focus my mind and get me to sleep. One I used to use is “nothing much happens”. She tells a story with lots of detail but little of importance, like a trip to the market, the fruit she picked up, the smell of the apples. Then she tells the same story, in the same words, again, except slower.
Looks like you’re been given a lot of good advice here, and it sounds like you’re already doing what you need to. In the short term, what helped me was to focus on basic sleep hygiene. Avoid caffeine and alcohol as they can cause more vivid dreams (REM rebound). Keep to the same schedule every night, reduce screen time before bed, make sure you’re properly hydrated, make sure you’re getting enough exercise etc etc etc. All the usual things people tell you to do. They’re all good things to do anyway, but I found that having a plan and sticking to it helped me a lot
