Relationships are weird and complicated. I’ve yet to meet a human who has a simple relationship with both parents, lol. Life is complicated, but I truly hope things get better for you. Sending good vibes your way!

So sorry for your loss. You’re a stronger person than me. My dad passed when I was 16. Liver and kidney failure from alcolishm. We weren’t exactly close, and I cant say i liked him at the time, but he was still my dad. I couldn’t handle being there in the end. The sounds like you describe them were too much. I never had grief nightmares, but i also haven’t had vivid dreams since i was like 10. I did have a few panic / anxiety attacks in the years immediately after, but they stopped pretty quick. I’m about to turn 30, and I promise you, every day gets a little easier. I’m sure your therapist is a better resource, but you ever want to talk to an anonymous stranger, my DMs are open.