Basically the title.
Not to trauma dump, but my mom died almost exactly a month ago. I was with her for her last hours and it was…as peaceful as it could be, honestly. The facility was so nice and the hospice nurses did a wonderful job at keeping her comfortable. But her lungs were pretty damaged from the flu and lung cancer, so there was also a lot of gasping and breathing struggles, and the last two hours were especially rough (for her and for me).
I know I have some kind of acute traumatic something or another because of it. I can handle the daily intrusive thoughts and I do try to sit with my feelings as they happen.
But the nightmares are terrible. Out of the 29 days since she died, I’ve had nightmares for at least 23 of them. They range from disturbing to straight up “waking up feeling like I’m actively being chased by a serial killer” panic-inducing.
I have them at night, and I have them if I take naps during the day. It’s getting to a point where I’m afraid to sleep because I just don’t want to see those things or feel those feelings.
Has anyone else dealt with this? When did it stop for you?
P.S. I’m in therapy, and I know everyone is different. I’m just trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
My best tool in coping with grief, as a neurodivergent that has had a lifetime of difficulty in dealing with/understanding loss- has been in the acceptance that I was never going to avoid this.
What I mean is, this was something that was going to happen eventually. They could not have outrun it, they could not have “healthed” their way around it. It WILL happen. And accepting this goes a long way to help to resolve the constant “what could I have done differently” part.
What does this have to do with nightmares? I’m getting to that.
Basically, Grief comes in two flavors;
There’s the “selfish” part, which is the idea that YOU won’t ever get to be with them again- and how it hurts that YOU will now forever have a massive hole in YOUR life that get once filled, that they will never have any new interactions with YOU
And then there’s the “selfless” part, which is sadness and empathy for THEIR pain, and the worry that THEY were suffering, that THEY will never have any new reactions with you.
When these two things mix together- from my experience, the selfish one is always the loudest. It’s the one that drives the knives into my heat.
… and it’s the one that brings the nightmares.
And nightmares oftentimes are a subconscious manifestation of guilt.
Once you come to terms with the fact that this was something that was always going to happen, it gets easier to work through the pain and come to a place of peace. Just know that the love you had for her remains untouched and timeless.
The nightmares will eventually cease, and her all of your memories of her will bring warmth and comfort.
Just hang in there and try and be good to yourself through this.
❤️