Basically the title.
Not to trauma dump, but my mom died almost exactly a month ago. I was with her for her last hours and it was…as peaceful as it could be, honestly. The facility was so nice and the hospice nurses did a wonderful job at keeping her comfortable. But her lungs were pretty damaged from the flu and lung cancer, so there was also a lot of gasping and breathing struggles, and the last two hours were especially rough (for her and for me).
I know I have some kind of acute traumatic something or another because of it. I can handle the daily intrusive thoughts and I do try to sit with my feelings as they happen.
But the nightmares are terrible. Out of the 29 days since she died, I’ve had nightmares for at least 23 of them. They range from disturbing to straight up “waking up feeling like I’m actively being chased by a serial killer” panic-inducing.
I have them at night, and I have them if I take naps during the day. It’s getting to a point where I’m afraid to sleep because I just don’t want to see those things or feel those feelings.
Has anyone else dealt with this? When did it stop for you?
P.S. I’m in therapy, and I know everyone is different. I’m just trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m so sorry. When I lost my sweet, patient, and kind primary caregiver, it took a long time to process and get over the pain of my loss. Then one night, over a year later, I had a good dream about them engaging in an activity we engaged in together, and seemingly quite happy. We spoke, exchanged hugs. And it was incrementally better, after that.
Your time may be less or more. Give yourself grace and compassion, no matter how long it takes, ok? Wishing you a speedy and complete healing.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but I’m so glad you had that comfort come to you in a dream.
I actually did have a single good dream about her, the Friday after she passed. Two of the biggest questions on my mind in her final hours were “does she know she’s struggling?” And “is she scared?” And I was able to ask her both of those in the dream. The answers were beautiful and comforting, and I’m trying very hard to hold onto that dream.
Thank you for your kind words. I will try to be gentle with myself.
You are so very welcome. Thank you so much, my friend. Being gentle with yourself is a wonderful gift, you give yourself and others. It is so powerful. 🫂