According to the dual process model of grief, healthy grieving involves oscillation between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented behaviours. Basically, you need to sit with the feelings some of the time, and pursue new experiences some of the time.

The important thing is to be able to switch between the two when your mind needs you to. If you get stuck in one or the other, the grieving process stops getting better.

So if you need to take a break from thinking about it, take that break. Just as long as you can come back to thinking about it when you’re ready.

It’s shit. It’s really really shit. I’m so sorry.

I was by my mother’s side as she passed. No one tells you about the noises and sounds, how the way they hold their face changes, how their breath becomes a wheeze, and becomes a really quite unusually loud gasp, so loud and uncomfortable that you’re amazed it doesn’t wake them, and then shallows further and further until it stops. No one tells you how quickly we lose our heat. There are so many tiny yet striking new experiences that you somehow have to fold into your broader lifelong experience of them as a person, as your mother, that it takes time to process. Their death is such a tiny fragment of who they were, time can help contextualise that

Until then, it’s shit.

X

It’s truly different for everyone. For me it’s never really stopped but the frequency is much less often. My son was born 3 months premature and was gone after nine days, it’s been twenty years since. Losing my wife in 2019 didn’t help. There are a lot of other reasons behind still having the nightmares but it’s just something I’ve learned to live with.

As others have said, it’s different for everyone. But it will probably take a while longer. And when they finally stop happening that often, be prepared for them coming back around her dying day for years to come.

idk how to help you, but this image helped me:

All trauma and people are different. I’m not prescribing anything.

When i was going through mine from a severe work accident i had to not just sit with the feeling and adrenaline waking up after watching meaningless gore-filled horror shows in my dreams but push into it. Feeling it as hard as i possibly could telling myself that I WANTED and NEEDED to feel it, trying my best to think about every detail of it. It was horrible to experience that, but in the moment i was focused on seeing my trauma and getting to know it.

It seemed the deeper into it i went the faster it receded over time. The worst of it, fits of adrenaline filled crippling anxiety, went from daily to null over 3 years. The wincing about the thought dulled over the following few. I settled at some point on just having a heightened internal sense of empathy. It’s probably why i avoid a lot of visual format social media.

I hope you find a method that works for you. You may not get back to your old normal but you can get to a normal where you can live life in whole again free from this pain.

Each time I’ve lost someone the intensity of the dreams and grief began to taper off at around the 6 month mark. Things got better after that.

So sorry you lost your mom.

I lost my dad 5 years ago this month. It doesn’t get easier, but it does get less “every day”. I still occasionally dream about him, but less often. I still sometimes have anxiety “can’t sleep” times, but less often.

I snuggle my dog and my teddy bear and that helps. I also sometimes take an as-needed anti-anxiety medication when I really need some help, and it both knocks the anxiety down and makes me sleepy.

I also listen to podcasts to help focus my mind and get me to sleep. One I used to use is “nothing much happens”. She tells a story with lots of detail but little of importance, like a trip to the market, the fruit she picked up, the smell of the apples. Then she tells the same story, in the same words, again, except slower.

If you trauma dump enough it should get better.

Idk If it your kind of jam but right now there is really good show airing that deals with grief “journal with witch”. It would be shock theraphy so take this as trigger warning.

Your grief will come and go and manifest in bizarre ways.

in my case, it depends on the circumstances surrounding the trauma. I was able to process some untimely loss within a reasonable amount of time, but some others continue to haunt me for years

My best tool in coping with grief, as a neurodivergent that has had a lifetime of difficulty in dealing with/understanding loss- has been in the acceptance that I was never going to avoid this.

What I mean is, this was something that was going to happen eventually. They could not have outrun it, they could not have “healthed” their way around it. It WILL happen. And accepting this goes a long way to help to resolve the constant “what could I have done differently” part.

What does this have to do with nightmares? I’m getting to that.

Basically, Grief comes in two flavors;

There’s the “selfish” part, which is the idea that YOU won’t ever get to be with them again- and how it hurts that YOU will now forever have a massive hole in YOUR life that get once filled, that they will never have any new interactions with YOU

And then there’s the “selfless” part, which is sadness and empathy for THEIR pain, and the worry that THEY were suffering, that THEY will never have any new reactions with you.

When these two things mix together- from my experience, the selfish one is always the loudest. It’s the one that drives the knives into my heat.

… and it’s the one that brings the nightmares.

And nightmares oftentimes are a subconscious manifestation of guilt.

Once you come to terms with the fact that this was something that was always going to happen, it gets easier to work through the pain and come to a place of peace. Just know that the love you had for her remains untouched and timeless.

The nightmares will eventually cease, and her all of your memories of her will bring warmth and comfort.

Just hang in there and try and be good to yourself through this.

❤️

First, you’re not alone. Second, it’s almost three years out from my Dad’s passing - the dreams are rare now, but still there. A month is no time at all to process. When you get past the probate (if you need to), and close the estate, that’s when you stop just endlessly grieving and start healing and moving forward.

My suggestion? Fight the depression and other stuff holding you back. Form new memories, physical and social ones. Go hiking on new trails. Join a sport. Join an in-person RPG group. Do new things. Meet new people.

By giving your brain more new stuff to deal with, you’ll have less time to dream about her.

I’m so sorry. When I lost my sweet, patient, and kind primary caregiver, it took a long time to process and get over the pain of my loss. Then one night, over a year later, I had a good dream about them engaging in an activity we engaged in together, and seemingly quite happy. We spoke, exchanged hugs. And it was incrementally better, after that.

Your time may be less or more. Give yourself grace and compassion, no matter how long it takes, ok? Wishing you a speedy and complete healing.

So sorry for your loss. You’re a stronger person than me. My dad passed when I was 16. Liver and kidney failure from alcolishm. We weren’t exactly close, and I cant say i liked him at the time, but he was still my dad. I couldn’t handle being there in the end. The sounds like you describe them were too much. I never had grief nightmares, but i also haven’t had vivid dreams since i was like 10. I did have a few panic / anxiety attacks in the years immediately after, but they stopped pretty quick. I’m about to turn 30, and I promise you, every day gets a little easier. I’m sure your therapist is a better resource, but you ever want to talk to an anonymous stranger, my DMs are open.