Basically the title.
Not to trauma dump, but my mom died almost exactly a month ago. I was with her for her last hours and it was…as peaceful as it could be, honestly. The facility was so nice and the hospice nurses did a wonderful job at keeping her comfortable. But her lungs were pretty damaged from the flu and lung cancer, so there was also a lot of gasping and breathing struggles, and the last two hours were especially rough (for her and for me).
I know I have some kind of acute traumatic something or another because of it. I can handle the daily intrusive thoughts and I do try to sit with my feelings as they happen.
But the nightmares are terrible. Out of the 29 days since she died, I’ve had nightmares for at least 23 of them. They range from disturbing to straight up “waking up feeling like I’m actively being chased by a serial killer” panic-inducing.
I have them at night, and I have them if I take naps during the day. It’s getting to a point where I’m afraid to sleep because I just don’t want to see those things or feel those feelings.
Has anyone else dealt with this? When did it stop for you?
P.S. I’m in therapy, and I know everyone is different. I’m just trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
This was a very comforting reply for me, because I understand it. I honestly can’t say that my mom and I were extremely close, or that she was my best friend, or that we even liked each other at times. But she was my mom, and there was love and good memories there, however sporadic.
It’s complicated, isn’t it?
Thank you for the reassurance that it does get better, and for offering to lend an ear. That’s incredibly kind of you, and I’m very grateful.
Relationships are weird and complicated. I’ve yet to meet a human who has a simple relationship with both parents, lol. Life is complicated, but I truly hope things get better for you. Sending good vibes your way!