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For me, psilocybin wasn’t even enough. I did one round in a therapy setting with MDMA, 5gs of mushrooms. Then later another round with just 5g of mushrooms. Mostly just laying in bed, listening to specific music with the facilitator making sure I stay hydrated and all that. I cried a bit but it didn’t feel like it got quite there. Mostly it was boring. I was quite frustrated because there was so much hype about psychedelic therapy but of course I was the one super special boy on whom even a high dose of mushrooms didn’t accomplish much. Because of course it can’t be that easy for me.

I’m sure it was minor long lasting effects though but it wasn’t the dramatic shift I was secretly hoping for.

I however did get the opportunity to do 5-meo and that… did things. Just the handshake round made me feel the worst possible emotional pain. Then the second round made me scream, dry-vomit and convulse. I thought I shat and pissed myself (thankfully not, though the facilitator said it wouldn’t have been the first time and it would’ve been fine). I felt like my whole being was put through a blender. Then somehow I still did the final round which was more of the same. I was with a competent facilitator and a few friends and weirdly, it felt good to have people witness it all without judgment. In fact I think that was one of the most important factors because it was other people that had taught me to suppress and push everything down. Having a different set of people hold space while I went through that all (and provide hugs after) was profoundly healing.

Afterwards for the first time in my life I actually felt healthily empty inside. The sense of stuck emotions was gone. It didn’t magically make me happy, I seem to just have a chronic depression, but at least I didn’t (and still don’t) feel dragged down by unprocessed feelings. I don’t have this constant sense of “something is wrong”.

Surrender.

Not resignation. Surrender.

(Several years of reading philosophy, meditation, Zen Buddhism, resolving mental health issues, trauma work, therapy, psychedelic therapy, going through my personal hell, dropping self-hatered etc. but you can skip the hard stuff and just accept that all you ever amount to is the dash between your birthday and time of death. It’s very liberating once you stop believing the idea that you, or anything really, is “supposed” to be special. Or indeed that there even is a “you” - that’s just another way your mind is keeping busy. Vast majority of people take the long way around though.)

Not nihilism, Nondual Buddhism.

A lot of things, but they are “just” beliefs. They’re just narratives about narratives about narratives but they may be useful. I believe my hand will burn if I put it on a candle flame. Which is an intense experience I’m inclined to avoid. But it’s neither a good or bad experience. I’m not going to go telling people that they should believe as I do. But I can tell them that by my assessment, it’s pretty damn likely they’ll experience pain if they put their hand on the flame. Up to them what they do with that.

In terms of my worldview, I “believe” that we’re just being, existence, experience. “Matter” is a story. “Spirit” is a story. Both camps demand an opposition to another which is inherently dualistic and as such, misleading and pointless. Putting any of this in words is silly because each word in itself is just a story, a concept, a belief. Best but deeply flawed description of reality I can muster at the moment is that it’s an experience of a free fall in total darkness.

Meditation and philosophical inquiry. Spent a lot of time believing the default vaguely-Christian-materialist-dualist framework that western culture has been brainwashing people into for centuries, pretending it’s “objectively true”.

Build a community. Don’t just expect people to randomly see you do something and get inspired. Actively build a real life face to face community with certain values - and don’t expect help. Welcome any that comes but don’t expect it. Do not discuss politics explicitly, focus on core values.

Organize a weekly outing event to pick up litter or something. Chat with people. Do it even if nobody shows up.